So I Just Got Back From Portland...

I just had an amazing trip to Portland.

I got to see some amazing camp friends and really got to spend some good quality time with many of them. It's unbelievable how much I miss all of them. I get a true sense of love from all of those people. Not that my friends here at home/school hate me, but there are times when I feel like I'm the kid that doesn't belong or that is just kind of there. Sometimes it even seems like I get on their nerves. Those times don't happen often, but when they do it sucks. And for whatever reason, I don't get that sense from those crazy Oregonians.

Maybe it was working with them all summer or maybe it's because they don't know me well enough to find any faults yet, but I feel insane love. I feel that my presence is cherished and greatly appreciated. Maybe I'm just really insecure. I don't know.

But that's not at all what I intended to write about, though. Strange. Let's move on

I noticed something about myself while I was in Portland. And I think I've seen this a bit in the past, but it just hit me in the face while I was there.

I want what I cannot have.

And not in a good way either. Some people strive for things and work really hard to get something that they've had their eye on for a while; whether it be a guy/girl, a friendship, a job, something really expensive, or some other kind of material possession. And I work to get things too, but it seems like when that thing is finally mine I don't really want it anymore. I am already looking toward the next thing.

And some people might say, "Well that means you're ambitious, Ben! You're constantly trying to make a better life for yourself and you're not willing to settle for less. You're never satisfied." But I think, "I'm never satisfied."

And I think to some degree we need to be satisfied. We need to be happy with where we're at and who we're with and what we're doing. Very rarely do I feel that way. I never feel at peace with where I am. I want, for just one second, to be content and happy and to want to keep things the way they are. But I don't know if that's possible. Maybe it's a terrible character flaw.

And the one area where I shouldn't feel satisfaction is in my walk with Christ. But I find myself , much of the time, thinking that I'm doing ok. I'll put off a quiet time or forget to pray and I won't beat myself up about it.

When did these things get reversed? Maybe I'm not doing as well as I used to think. I need to begin a serious reevaluation of my life and look at what is a priority in it and what isn't...or shouldn't be.

God, I need an inciting incident.

I need something that will force me to move and change. I don't know what that is or what it will look like but I pray that You will send something my way.

And in the immortal words of Switchfoot:

I hope to lose myself
for good
I hope to find it in the end
not in me...
in You

Sidenote: If you read all of this, blessing be upon you. I think this one was more for me than it was for anyone reading. I'm not normally this open about my struggles. At least not this specific. I like to keep it vague most of the time. But this needed to be written down so I can come back to it to remember what I'm fighting and why I'm fighting. Thank you.