Wow, so it's been a while eh?
Life's been crazy these past few months and it seems like this blog was always that last thing on my mind. School's going great! I'm enrolled in some great classes right now and have been learning alot. My Life of Christ class is probably my favorite. Dr. Kelly is so amazing and I feel God speaking something new to me every time I go to that class. It's incredible. I'm also in Hebrew I which is incredibly hard, but I'm making it. I'm shooting for a high C/low B in there. It's also very rewarding though and it's really giving some of the Old Testament passages new life in my mind.
But the real intent of this blog isn't really to update on life. Well, maybe to an extent but it's more of a way to address a real issue I'm dealing with at the moment.
I feel very far from God.
I was on my Myspace last night and I was reading some of my old blogs from high school and I started to get really sad and upset. I sought after God with all my heart in high school. Sure, I was never perfect but the desire to get there was always present. I was active in church and spent time (almost) daily in God's Word. And since I've been away at school I've drifted from that. I've turned into the one thing I feared the most - someone who thinks that because they go to a Christian college, they are somehow exempt from participating in God's work around them. I only go to church about once a month and my quiet times are few and far between. It's as if I treat my religion classes as church. Like I'm being fed the same way there as I would be on a Sunday morning. And in some cases that may hold some truth, but for the most part it's complete crap. I'm disappointed in myself and honestly I'm also disgusted.
What happened?
Where did I go?
Who did I turn into?
Why am I so cynical and complacent in the place I am?
When am I going to realize that I'm supposed to be giving more of myself than I am?
I think the answer to that last one is - NOW!
My sister, being the wise girl she is, told me to look up Isaiah 40:28-31. And I think anyone feeling like I am should go read it and ponder it. Thanks Anna! You really knocked some sense into me with your words. I needed that
So I'm going to change. It's as simple as that.
I'm done with being selfish and I'm done with giving other things priority over God.
I've been down that path and it only leads to losing yourself.
There's a great church called Heritage and I love it every time I go. I'm going to start making it a regular part of my week. I'm not sure what ministries it offers but I'm also going to find something I can get involved in. If there's nothing there then I'll play with little kids with my sister and Sarah Disch. They're always telling me I should go...I think it's time I took them up on that offer.
I read something by a friend of mine that applies heavily here:
I’m so tired of the things of this world.
Constantly encroaching on my often too willing mind; my insides are shivering.
I’m missing God in my breath. But I exhale anyway.
I’m always looking backwards with Him right in front of me… I run right into Him, startled.
How sad He must be…yet so in love with me, still.
What a King…
Niki Bryan sure has a way with words.
I hope you read this someday, Niki, and know how much I enjoy your writing. It hits me when I need to be hit.
But I'm making changes. Know that. Don't give up on me, loved ones. I know I'm messed up right now, but please never give up on me. I need your love and support more than you could ever know. I'm working to be a person you can be proud of. I love you all :)
P.S. Go listen to William Fitzsimmons. He's great to having playing in the background when you're writing. Plus he just writes good songs that have alot of heart in them.
