I'm moving!

Tumblr is where it's at yo.

Find me here --> benskaggs.tumblr.com

It's been fun blogspot. I'll be by sometimes to reread old posts and catch up on what the few blogs I followed are up to

Feeling Mushy Today

Sometimes the hopeless romantic inside gets the best of me. This song makes me want to love. Today has been so good

Avery - Chris Merritt

Language fails me, but maybe in this guide to Japanese, or your book of Spanish phrases

Tug at my heart strings
I'll drop the ball
Hours to climb up
Seconds to fall
I reach out my hand to help you up only to see it was me alone on the floor

Where were you when all I knew was pavement?
Not the band, no I hadn't heard of them yet
You were the cool rain
You were the warm sun
You were the rare buzz after a long run
You were the moon-sliced smiling eyes
In my heart, in my dreams, in all of my songs

So I've finally found what I'm looking for in the town that my mind had been searching for
It's you in all the songs I'm singing
All of the light you bring in
Open the windows and brighten my life with you

Love, guide me through the dark night
Talk to me and hold my hand
Sing out, sing out
Sing out, sing out

Love, lead me to the daylight
Love, guide me to your sweet face
Sing out, sing out
Sing out, sing out

And I know when you call me you'll be the one I need
I'm just a heart you stole
I'm just a rolling stone
I'm not a worthy soul spending my days loving you

Life After God

I've been reading a lot of things by Douglas Coupland lately. He wrote a book back in 1994 that is called what the name of this post is. It's a collection of short stories that detail people going through experiences that are heart breaking and the situations seem hopeless. It seems that Coupland knows what life without God looks and feels like. The book is pretty depressing over all but it is also very thought provoking and it's all culminating to this great realization. I'll just write what he wrote.

"Now -- here is my secret:

I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God -- that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love."

The depths of my soul shout in agreement. Even when I feel very far from Him, I know deep down that I need Him; that I will never not be able to live apart from Him. He is the only thing that makes sense of this awful world I live in and I can find strength only in Him.

So I Just Got Back From Portland...

I just had an amazing trip to Portland.

I got to see some amazing camp friends and really got to spend some good quality time with many of them. It's unbelievable how much I miss all of them. I get a true sense of love from all of those people. Not that my friends here at home/school hate me, but there are times when I feel like I'm the kid that doesn't belong or that is just kind of there. Sometimes it even seems like I get on their nerves. Those times don't happen often, but when they do it sucks. And for whatever reason, I don't get that sense from those crazy Oregonians.

Maybe it was working with them all summer or maybe it's because they don't know me well enough to find any faults yet, but I feel insane love. I feel that my presence is cherished and greatly appreciated. Maybe I'm just really insecure. I don't know.

But that's not at all what I intended to write about, though. Strange. Let's move on

I noticed something about myself while I was in Portland. And I think I've seen this a bit in the past, but it just hit me in the face while I was there.

I want what I cannot have.

And not in a good way either. Some people strive for things and work really hard to get something that they've had their eye on for a while; whether it be a guy/girl, a friendship, a job, something really expensive, or some other kind of material possession. And I work to get things too, but it seems like when that thing is finally mine I don't really want it anymore. I am already looking toward the next thing.

And some people might say, "Well that means you're ambitious, Ben! You're constantly trying to make a better life for yourself and you're not willing to settle for less. You're never satisfied." But I think, "I'm never satisfied."

And I think to some degree we need to be satisfied. We need to be happy with where we're at and who we're with and what we're doing. Very rarely do I feel that way. I never feel at peace with where I am. I want, for just one second, to be content and happy and to want to keep things the way they are. But I don't know if that's possible. Maybe it's a terrible character flaw.

And the one area where I shouldn't feel satisfaction is in my walk with Christ. But I find myself , much of the time, thinking that I'm doing ok. I'll put off a quiet time or forget to pray and I won't beat myself up about it.

When did these things get reversed? Maybe I'm not doing as well as I used to think. I need to begin a serious reevaluation of my life and look at what is a priority in it and what isn't...or shouldn't be.

God, I need an inciting incident.

I need something that will force me to move and change. I don't know what that is or what it will look like but I pray that You will send something my way.

And in the immortal words of Switchfoot:

I hope to lose myself
for good
I hope to find it in the end
not in me...
in You

Sidenote: If you read all of this, blessing be upon you. I think this one was more for me than it was for anyone reading. I'm not normally this open about my struggles. At least not this specific. I like to keep it vague most of the time. But this needed to be written down so I can come back to it to remember what I'm fighting and why I'm fighting. Thank you.